I’ve been slow to give parenting advice over the years, partly because I was raised by a single mom, so it was hard for me to give advice to fathers. But it’s not like I had a good track record as a parent anyway. When my oldest son was twelve, playing competitive baseball, I would sit in the stands and steal the other team’s pitching signs, even though our whole team knew I was a pastor in our community. It made for a funny sermon illustration one Sunday, but it also revealed something deeper.
It's hard to admit, but the bigger problem was that I was often hard on my son after baseball games. How he played became more about me and my identity than anything else. There were some nights when my words really hurt my son, who wanted more than anything just to please me. Looking back, I wish I could do those days over again now that my wife and I are empty nesters. But you can’t. You can only live and learn.
The reality is that kids often imitate their fathers. And mothers. For good and for bad. And you’ll unfortunately pass down some of your sins to your kids. So when they leave home, or show up to your funeral one day, how will they remember you as their dad? None of us are perfect, but what will they say? Will things like faithful presence, protector, provider, and loving disciplinarian come to mind? Or something much worse?
Are You Frustrating Your Kids?
If you had to come up with some qualities that make a good father, what would you mention? Let’s look at what the apostle Paul had to say right after reminding children to obey their parents.
In Ephesians 6:4, he writes:
Fathers do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
What does it mean to exasperate or embitter your children?
First, it means to not over-discipline or be overly harsh with them.
I’ve known parents who tend to focus solely on the rules that have been broken and punish way too harshly and often out of anger. Unfortunately, those who do so are sowing the seeds for raising kids who will rebel when they get older. We pray for God to give us wisdom to balance discipline and grace as parents. You’re a big sinner, raising little sinners. And the best fathers find the balance between discipline and justice on the one hand and love and mercy on the other.
In fact, we’re to imitate God, who is our Heavenly Father.
What is God like? Well, God describes his own character to Moses in Exodus 34:6,7 this way:
“The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished.”
So dads, do you tend to stress holiness (the rule) and justice (the punishment) or God’s love and grace? My encouragement to you is not to neglect any of them. But if you have to, err on the side of God’s love, compassion, kindness, and forgiveness in your parenting.
If a kid grows up knowing only harshness and no words of encouragement like “I love you”, that’s a big deal. Because that’s not who our Heavenly Father is.
Second, be a father who’s worth imitating.
As a father, your behavior shapes your children’s understanding of what it means to be a father (whether you know it or not). Their formative experiences with you will play a central role in their lives.
So here are some questions to consider as we think about this second point:
- Are you their protector or the primary person they need protection from?
- Are you their provider or the main barrier to provision?
- Are you a source of stability in your home, or does your presence produce chaos and fear?
Often, the main threat against which a father must protect his wife and kids is his own self: his weaknesses, mistakes, and shortcomings. In other words, the man looking back at you in the mirror.
See, dads, the greatest fear your kids will have as they grow up is most likely not a threat from outside the home, but you and your sin.
It’s you and your selfishness and your harsh words. It’s you when you come home angry and take it out on them because some other idol in your life is letting you down. It’s you when you come home and drink too much or watch tv all night and check out, becoming just another member of the family instead of leading them. As someone once said, it’s like you’re “a boy that shaves” and your wife needs to hold everything together because you’re disconnected both emotionally and physically.
And I bring up these examples because I’ve seen them in my own life. Kids don’t expect perfection, but they do smell hypocrisy. And you can’t hide from your wife either, no matter how hard you try.
Look at the Man in the Mirror
Are you aware of a sin God is putting his finger on in your life? One that is the greatest threat to your kids, your wife, and your own soul and happiness? Do me a favor. Make it a priority to deal with the man looking back in the mirror before anything else.
This hit home to me when I recently recorded a With You in the Weeds podcast episode with my wife and 3 grown children called “We Listen and We Don’t Judge.”
The episode was a chance for our kids to share the good, the bad, and the ugly of our parenting. It’s not easy to hear your kids talk about ways you’ve hurt or failed them, but part of looking at yourself means hearing the truth of how your kids view you. And the amazing thing is when you can be honest with yourself and your kids, they will want to be closer to you because they know they can trust you.
Deuteronomy 6:4-6 says,
“The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children.”
Interestingly, in these verses, Moses reveals the key to being a good dad. Notice the sequence: We are to love God first and then teach these things to our children.
Parents often want quick-fix techniques in raising children, but the main thing is your own walk with God. Who we are as dads—our characters—matter more than any parenting method.
What I’ve learned in my own life is that the more we love God and obey him and deal with the sin in our own hearts, the better we’ll love our wives, our children, and others in our lives. And the better dads we’ll be. We still won’t be perfect, but we’ll be dads our kids will want to imitate.
And if we grew up without fathers, the great thing is that because of Jesus, we now have a Heavenly Father who loves and cares for us. And we can trust him.
Dad, you can do this. And don’t be the ugly dad at the ballpark stealing the opposing pitchers’ signs. Your kid probably can’t hit it anyway.
Shay Roush is a co-lead pastor at The Crossing and co-hosts a podcast with a team of counselors called With You in the Weeds. Subscribe to the With You in the Weeds newsletter for weekly information about new episodes, free resources to help you apply what you’re learning, and guidance on how to manage the weeds of life.
